I get it. I mean as a man you probably have one or maybe two matches on Tinder after swiping right for every single female profile, even if she looked like a gorilla mated with a coyote and produced a llama.

Then you decide not to put all your eggs in one basket, you download Hinge, Bumble and Truly Madly. You spend an hour a day on all four apps swiping right on every single woman that’s shown to you. Because, well, beggars are not choosers and if horses could fly, beggars would ride. You know, yada…yada!

The highlight of your day is when you get a match in one of those apps, but then the low-light of the day is that even though she’s swiped right for you, she refuses to respond to your messages.

I mean, I agree. men are pathetic. They lead lives constantly seeking for validation. Don’t get me wrong, I am a man too. But brothers unlike you, I have cracked the code.

The code to get any woman you match with, to speak with you on Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Truly Madly, whatever, pathetic dating site you are on. Heck, I will even throw in tips on how to pick up girls from a bar, if you pay me enough.

You see, it is not about how you look, it has never been about how you look. I mean look at my face here in this video, I look like a well dressed spastic, orangutan. But that’s the thing, unlike us men, for a woman, our looks won’t be the reason why a she sleeps with us.

Women are simple beings, like wild cows waiting to be domesticated. Waiting to be milked and then tied to that shiny pole, while you go out in the farm chasing all those chicks, having a testosterone showdown with roosters.

In this teaser, I will help you with exactly two tips, after that you need to realize that nothing comes for free, especially when it comes to sleeping with a woman.

I understand you’re enthusiastic, you haven’t gotten laid in like a year? 2 years? In forever? But it doesn’t matter now. Because I’m here, and your sexual health is my problem, not yours, should you choose to go for our yearly subscription.

#1

Do not go about dropping that overtly desperate punchline the moment you get a match. Yes, she looks hot in that bikini staring at the sunset. Yes, you can’t wait to lay your hands on those perk breasts and motorboat into the horizon.

 But no, hold your horses, tame your raging lions, because it’s not the bikini she wants you to notice, even though she secretly does (why else would she put that image there), but that comes later. It’s that other image, where she’s reading “the handmaid’s tale” in those gloriously geeky glasses, that she wants you to comment on. Makes her feel appreciated for more than her boobs, you see.

Say something about that, something like, “With the abortion ban in Alabama, isn’t it scary to see Atwood’s dystopia come true. Oh, I love your glasses, btw.”

I don’t give rats ass if this is the first time you’ve heard of “The Handmaid’s tale”, or in fact it’s the first time in your life you’ve seen a big fat book, you do your research and you drop in these tiny tidbits of your fake intellect, you impress the chic.

#2

Second tip, u lift.

Know this, my peasant followers, women, at least the kind you’d want to sleep with, are massively impressed with big guns. She may love teddy bears but she definitely does not want a man’s squishy arm under her neck, or his flabby tummy flapping on her while pump and hump. She loves those hard ridges, that brick chest and arms that can punch another man senseless. Even if she vehemently denies it, claims to be independent and self sufficient, she wants you, needs you to ride in a white horse and sweep her off her feet. What can I say, women are simple creatures who live playing damsel in distress.

 But that doesn’t mean you need to fill your profile with gym selfies, utterly disgusting, sweaty images of you lifting that thin vest to reveal a six pack.

A subtle reference to lifting, along with a pensive selfie of you staring into the sunset flexing your big arms should do the trick.

I hope my tips here in this video, help you, but if you want to watch the rest of the video, and avail my customized service called, “Let’s get you laid”…oops, “Let’s get you a date”, that’s what I meant”, please subscribe to the service by paying only 10 pounds a month i.e 120 pounds for an yearly subscription.

So mates, what are you waiting for, another year of no sex?