“Life is a prison”, now I didn’t say that. Someone did, someone completely inconsequential to this write up. That would explain why I don’t feel even a teeny bit of inclination to make you aware of his or her name.
But if life is a prison then mid-life is the Green mile. It is one those fancy semi colon tattoos that everyone is getting, as if “a down on his luck 40 year old” is even going to notice the tiny semi colon strategically placed near your wrist.
But your tattoo is not the reason for this write up. It is the prison of your mid – life and how to escape it.
Now, it is extremely critical to understand that mid-life crises differs from men to women. For example a woman, almost every single month gets minute mid life shocks when she starts PMSing. But for men it comes like a meteor falling over their head out of nowhere.
So, let me start with an escape route for women.
Ladies, believe me you have it easy.
You hit 36/37 or the 38 mark. You realize the kids are gone or almost vanishing, the husband doesn’t notice your new hair cut.
So, what do you do?
Well, depending on how often you hit the bottle, or tinder, or the club, or one night stands, you can go for any of the below, or even all of the below.
- A tiny solace, guaranteed to keep you happy for a week, at least. You spend a few thousands shopping, book yourself an Aroma Thai body massage (the pure intensity of pain you would experience after the massage would be enough to forget the mid-life prison for a couple of days) OR…or you color your hair, preferably honey blonde.
Viola!!! By this time that self-involved dickhead aka your husband is bound to notice the fact that you not just cut your hair, but you also look like a blonde head with a bad tan; especially if you carry off that look with the Maybelline collection of shocking red lipstick. Imagine Donatella Versace crossed with a crack-head.
- Now should you require a longer intervention, an elevation of self-esteem of sorts, you could totally spend a few more tens of thousands and go for liposuction or even breast augmentation. You might say, why not hit the gym. Well I would say, why not? Too. But think about it, in your down and out condition, where even spandex cannot conceal that jiggly wiggly muffin top. Would you really want subject yourself to three reps of 30 push ups, and two reps of 50 squats carry ten kg dumbbells; while all those perfect bodies out there watch you, amused by your wheezing and loud struggles. NO! I didn’t think so. So liposuction and breast augmentation it is. Should you require further originality, you could totally blame the silicone breasts to Angelina Jolie, a phobia of breast cancer and preemptive mastectomy. Being a feminist role model to people around you, comes as a freebie along with perfect, timeless breasts.
- Now if you are someone who is constantly assaulted by those perfect body images. By the 36 DD breasts complimented with a 24 inch waist. Well let me tell you, it ain’t easy. It not only involves an investment of lakhs of rupees, but also a sacrifice of two ribs out of your rib cage. What?! Ladies, did you really think God designed us to look like a Barbie doll? No!!! Wake up. But God did give surgeons the brain to make you look like one. Cher and Marilyn Manson are few celebs who have resorted to such transformations. Cher, was of course to have a tiny waist. Maryln Mason on the other hand needed a really flexible torso to give him-self that perfect blowjob. Well in your case reader, this would ensure at least a decade of escape from the prison called midlife. All those assured double takes by men on the road, would be a fair start.
Now coming to men, ah men. Let me tell you, you don’t have it as easy as women. But I can also assure you that you would enjoy the ride.
- Go back to your roots, become a cave man. Hide those chubby cheeks and that baby face behind a perfectly groomed beard that brings out the salt and pepper man in you. And this is not just an escape from midlife crises, it is also an escape from teen crises, adult crises, old age crises. You name it, and a pointy, well groomed beard is the answer. Do not cage the metrosexual man in you and join an army of tall, fat, short, lean, narrow, broad Khal Drogos.
- Now if that doesn’t completely make you feel like a new man, transformed. Pick up a sport. You would say golf, but I would say NO. Golf is positively last decade. And the 40 something man of today needs a sport that physically challenges him, makes him fell like “The Beast”. I strongly recommend off-roading. Isn’t it positively orgasmic manoeuvring a brand new 4X4 Thar into the Netherlands of nature? Well all you need to make is an investment of only 10 lakhs for a fully equipped machine. And with the loans you already have hanging on your head, you must be used to paying EMIs.
You would ask me, how often do these off-roading events occur? Well, let me tell you a Thar doesn’t need a road that is not a road. A Thar can be driven majestically on Bangalore roads as well. And I say, make that a sport too. Do not allow any big cars to over take you, especially if that big car is driven by a tanned woman with honey blonde hair.
- Finally, the one thing that will make you men feel that you have arrived, you are living out your puberty wet dream. Buy a Harley Davidson, not just any but at least a Street Bob that’s costs only 12 lakh plus on the road. That big bad Ghost Rider machine is sure to make you feel like a man on top of the world. Accessorize yourself with the Rs. 50,000/- riding gear, the original Harley leather jacket, those 10 kilo each; boots, that helmet. Not just any helmet, definitely not the stupid Vega helmet, but an original Harley helmet. Agreed you would look like you are wearing a Hazmat suit, entering a quarantined area. But who cares, all those double takes on the road, men revering you with their questions; women vying you with their looks, is worth carrying all that weight and feeling the hot, burning machine in between your legs.
- Before I end though, remember, no matter how much you spend and the brands you wear, nothing speaks money like the thick gold chain around your neck that your mommy gifted you on your fortieth birthday.
So, dear readers now that you have your planned out escape route out of this midlife prison, please do subscribe for my next article “How to talk your spouse into your every whim, in 5 easy steps.”