“Everyone farts – even the best of us. All farts are unsavoury but each unsavory fart is unsavory in its own sway. Each fart is sui generis – it’s the most telling, most exquisite release of your being at a moment of poignant vulnerability.
At socialfarts.com, we let you share your farts with your family, friends and frenemies. With our state of the fart technology, you can capture the essence of your fart for posterity. A fart is never just an olfactory experience. In its splendid entirety, a fart is visual (a fart-face being just as baffling as a cum-face), tactile (as an imperceptible draft of wind on your face), gustatory (a synesthetic surprise on your tongue) and of course, auditory (a cathartic release is an avant-garde music). It’s also a visceral experience whereupon you sense a universe expanding in your rump.
We, at socialfarts.com, decided to address our deep-seated yearning to connect with each other through this uniquely personal and social experience. We ship petite, highly ergonomic orbs called Fubbles. A Fubble can be used anywhere – on a Sunday night in the privacy of your bedroom, in a mall while eating Frozen Mango Yogurt with your best friend, at the pool (yes, Fubbles are water-proof), at the upscale restaurant with your date on a Friday night, by the road-side paani-puri stall – the possibilities are endless. Fubbles can be tailored to reflect your special aesthetic sensibilities – they come in floral shells, or sporty neon shells, rubber shells, or even leather, if you’re into that shit.
Share your farts with everyone, or with your family, colleagues, friends and romantic interests. Our UX experts have designed an intuitive interface that flows as freely as a fart in a summer breeze – your grandma can use it just as easily as you can! Get your kids onboard too. Our timeline feature will narrate a seamless life-story of your farts – you can hold back nostalgic tears and smiles, as you listen, smell, watch and hear your farts evolve. Relive old farts and celebrate new ones without ever worrying about forgetting a dear fart. Your farts are safe in our highly scalable, always available databases in datastores all around the globe. We take utmost care of your privacy, if you want to keep a fart to yourself and not share it with your friends, we’re on your side (although, secretly, we dream of a world where farts are a rich social experience).
With our new release, we introduce fart-tags. Was it an #ArtNouveau fart or a fart to support #lgbtq rights? Was it a #dejavu fart? Was it a #nofilter fart? (Yes, we got filters too! You can now let your fart transcend its identity as a fart and be a rose or a cupcake.)
Fart-tags not only embed meaning, purpose and fun into your farts, but they also enable new fart discovery. Are you looking for #sexy farts or #quirky farts? Or both? Or #quirky farts that are not #sexy farts? We’ve developed an advanced FQL (Fart Query Language) that makes searching (and stalking) for the right kind of farts a snap! Key in your query and your fart will be delivered right in your nose.
We are committed to WOW you, our customers, by granting your wishes before you wish them. We gather your data like you’re a high-school-crush we’re obsessively in love with (no, you’re not), peruse through your fart searches and fart-tags and regularly sluice down all your farts into our intelligent machine learning filters. After sniffing a year’s worth of farts – not only yours but those of your friends and your fart history – we practically know your guts inside out-”
He minimized the window and turned toward her. She let out a little ‘oh’.
“What do you think of the piece?”
She crumpled her forehead. “Trying to be funny, aren’t you?”
“Yes – I suppose”
She pursed her lips and nodded. “Yes”
“Tell me” He smiled.
A stray strand of her hair caught the light of the setting sun. It was tender, slow and infinite and disappeared in a blinding brightness all around them. His body was at once lighter and heavier than the cold water in the pale blue bath tub. His toes emerged above the water on the other end – like icebergs or little uninhabited shale islands with steep slippery cliffs.
It’d take an adventurous seafarer to discover them. He’d build a house, cultivate a garden, make love and have a child. Another child. There’d be families, wars, and weddings. On one quiet night, two strangers would meet by the cliff. They’d lie on their backs on the cold shale and drown in the sky above them.
She’d point out stars and constellations. Whisper their names. He would only see a feeble waving strand of light-
“It’s too simple” She brushed a nail with her thumb. “It’s funny, I get it, I get that” She folded her hands.
Cold water lapped at his chin. What was that constellation again?
“What do you mean, simple?”