Of Condoms and Conformity

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“Aaaaaaaaa….ayoo…Shiva,Shiva!” a loud scream echoed from the bathroom. Srinivas was there in a second, worried that his mother had slipped and hurt herself. But she looked fine, she was standing there, grimacing in  disgust and pointing at the toilet bowl. Srinivas was confused,”are you alright, amma?” She just shook her head and pointed at the toilet bowl again and then Srinivas saw it and froze in fear. There, wildly bobbing in the flushed water, like a dead body crashing among the waves, was a used condom!

Srinivas almost screamed himself, and then like a cartoon character he swallowed the scream. He could hear it echo as it slowly descended towards his stomach. How could this have happened? He was done, finished. In his defense this had never happened before. He was pretty sure that he had flushed the cruel condom at least thrice. This had never happened before! And Priya would definitely kill him, if his father did not finish the job first.

“che, che, che, che, che…..Rama Rama! Now I have to take a bath again. God only knows where it came from!” his mom muttered as she left the bathroom in a hurry.He was hoping to close the door and take care of it, and praying that his dad had not heard his mother’s scream. Srinivas turned to close the door and there his father was, looming over the bathroom door. He was still in his veshti, just having finished pooja the vibhuti tilakam glowing on his forehead, the very image of Dharma come to heap judgement and disgust on the inglorious acts of the heathens. Srinivas tried to cover the toilet bowl, but was shoved aside easily and then his father saw the condom relaxing in the bowl.

Samaptam! thought Srinivas, end of my story. I might as well pack my bags and find myself a new continent. He would never hear the end of it. His father would shout half the Telugu language at him and his mother would sit and cry all day about how his golden boy had had a bad case of drishti. She would call all his relatives, still crying and by evening everyone would have heard about how Srinivas, the good boy who could do no wrong, had left a condom in the toilet bowl. His aunt might even come and visit them, worried about Srinivas’s future prospects. His father would begin watching his every move and questioning his every purchase. His mother would start doing more pooja, even a homam maybe! They will definitely visit Tirupati and he would have to tonsure his head again. Priya would not like that.

Oh yeah, Priya! They would ask him who the girl was and he might have to disclose her name. Their families would never be able to see eye to eye again. One of the families might even shift to a different apartment, or better even, a different city. He would never see Priya again! All he wanted to do was climb into the toilet bowl along with the condom and flush himself.

“Che, che, che!” his father said, his voice full of disgust, “It is obvious where this came from. Those bachelor kids upstairs! They have crazy wild parties every weekend! God only knows what crazy things they do. They are spoiling the colony for everyone else. I will talk to the board about it.” He looked at Srinivas, “I am glad you don’t mingle with them, son!” He gave his son a proud smile and almost apologetically added, “kanna, take care of this no, please, I am getting late for office!” And his father left.

Srinivas stood stunned and speechless. All his years of being a good boy, of being polite and respectful, of coloring within the lines, were finally paying off! His parents didn’t even suspect him. He had thought he was lucky last week, when dad had found his lubricant in his drawer and he had convinced them that he needed it for a thigh rash. They had bought that excuse without blinking. karma was not always a bitch! He gave a small scream of joy as he flushed the condom.

That day college was fun, he regaled his friends with the story of his parents’ reaction. Priya laughed too, but she seemed a little stressed. He had known her since they were both three years old. He could read each line on her face like a favorite book. He knew something was bothering her. But when he asked her what it was she mock cheered up and said it was nothing to worry about.

After college they headed back home and Priya went back to her home to freshen up. Srinivas also freshened up, switched on the TV and drew the curtains strategically. He put the TV on high volume and waited for Priya. The fact that he had escaped so narrowly that morning made their hook up all the more forbidden and enticing. Priya seemed to think the same too. She did not speak a word when she walked into his room. She stared directly at him, there was a fire in her eyes and a glow about her. He had always wondered what it would be like if she was more active in their encounters, and today he found out, it was beyond glorious.

Afterwards, as they lay breathless and flushed, Priya held his hand and squeezed hard. “I can tell you are worried about something. Enough with the mystery, what is it?”

Priya gave him a dead stare, “You know how condoms have only 97% efficiency and we never really bother about the other 3%?”

Srinivas could only mutter a “yes” as he gulped hard.

“I am late this month,” Priya said, “I think I might be pregnant!”

“Satyameva…..satyameva….satyameva Jayate!” the TV crooned in the background.

Samaptam! thought Srinivas.

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4 thoughts on “Of Condoms and Conformity

  1. Thanks for the comment Trent, it’s good to know other people have been in the same situation, you would think someone would have come up with condoms that self destruct after use…someone should look into that!!

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